Lover's Letters
by Ellenarnia
Summary: A little story I thought I'd do because I find the idea cute with a bit of sad. Sorry, bad at summaries. Disclaimer: I don't own The Crimson Field or any of the characters
1. Chapter 1

Hello to you people. Hoping you is well. I know I should be updating other stories but I wanted to do this for a bit. Rated T for now but the rating might change. I'm not sure yet. I'll just get on now.

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Lover's Letters

Chapter 1

Roland held Grace in his arms that night watching her sleep. She was so peaceful when she was asleep he thought. She also possessed an innocent air. An innocence he would hate to shatter, but he had to tell her. He couldn't just disappear without a word. It would break her heart. It would break his heart if she thought he didn't love her. He would have hated it if they parted on bad terms. For now though he would join her in sleep. He would need all his courage to break the bad news to her tomorrow.

Morning came quickly for him. Too quickly. He hadn't even thought of how to tell her. He felt tears prick in his eyes as he recalled that they only had a few days left together. A few precious days. Roland decided there and then that he was going to try and make them the best few days of his and Grace's life. He wanted her to know how much she meant to him.

He got up, dressed and went to sit in his office leaving Grace to the comfort of her dreams. Sitting at his desk he put his head in his hands, reflecting on the events that had led to his sadness. He had received the letter detailing the facts a week ago. It had outlined the basic instructions that HQ wanted him to follow. It had turned his world on its head. Everything that he knew, the hospital, the wards, the staff, the patients, he would just have to leave them behind. There was nothing, apart from his eternal love for Grace, which he thought would stay the same.

He felt a light hand on his shoulder. Turning round he saw Grace standing over him smiling. In return he gave a smile back. He tried to seem like nothing had changed but his face gave away how he was truly feeling.

"Roland what's wrong?" she asked in concern

He looked into her eyes and knew that is was the time to tell her. He stood up and took her in his arms, holding her close to his chest. He sighed and rested his head on hers inhaling the scent of her hair.

"There's something I need to tell you."

She pulled away slightly took look at him in concern again

"Before I tell you I need you to know that I will always love you. Completely and forever."

She brought her hand up to rest against his cheek "Roland of course I know that. Now tell me please."

"They're sending me to another hospital." he told her while keeping his eyes to the floor.

There was a long silence spanning what seemed like years. Grace buried her head in his chest and let a single tear snake its way down her cheek before rapidly wiping it away. She hoped Roland hadn't noticed. She knew that staying strong was her only option. If she let her emotions overtake, then her heart would break beyond repair.

"When?" she whispered

"A few days. I wish I didn't have to go." He answered

"When did you find out?"

He didn't know how she would react when he told her but it would have to be the truth.

"A week ago."

She looked up.

"A week? You knew for a week?"

"Please don't be angry, I wanted to tell you I really di-"

She stopped him short by placing a finger on his lips

"I'm not angry. Just surprised." She admitted

"I'll keep in touch." He said pulling her back to his chest "I'll write to you whenever I can and at the end of the war I'll come back and find you. I promise."

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That's that. For now. Please review and I'll be back with another chapter soon. Remember the more you review the quicker the update comes.


	2. Chapter 2

Hello to you again. Here is another chapter. Hoping you enjoy. This has a little bit of history that I've made up about Grace

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Chapter 2

As she went about her work through the day all Grace could think about was the fact that Roland was leaving. He was leaving and she might not see him again. The war had been going on for so long already and nobody knew how much longer it would last. There was a great uncertainty about what was going to happen. The war could go on for 10 more years or end next week for all anybody knew. There was always talk of the 'final big push' that would end the war for good but it never seemed to come.

Grace tried to push the thoughts from her mind but found she could think of nothing else. She had had to hide her emotions since she was a child growing up in India. When she was young, doing so was very hard. Letting her emotions play on her face was natural and hiding them became a challenge. When her mother died the pain hit her hard. Her father had not helped. He set out drinking, gambling, staying out late, sometimes not coming home till the morning. He then started to become angry and use his guns. He had been fond of them even before her mother had died but she had always kept him calm. That had changed when she died. He took a gun out with him wherever he went, always carrying extra bullets.

"Rather like Major Ballard." Grace thought to herself

He then started to threaten people with them. Saying he do harm to anybody who crossed him. Several times she had been in the line of fire and without her mother there to stop him he had come very close to shooting her or anyone he could find that was in range. He'd threatened to hurt himself as well but only once. He enjoyed it much more when others were at his mercy. He had been a military man most of his life but had been injured in the Boer war and sent home to convalesce. When he thought he was fit enough he went back to the army but they didn't want him back.

The day he had killed himself was the day she had graduated to a sister. She had decided to visit him even though, when she had left to be a nurse he had told her never to come back. She knew that he would not want to see her but she wanted to see him. Leaving home had been her biggest mistake because it had been the time that her father needed help more than ever. When she had got to their home in Indore he was dead; lying in a pool of his own blood. She had acted in a way that showed as much grief as needed but inside she started to blame and hate herself. Grace had started her service as a sister in England to get away from the painful memories she had of India but it hadn't worked. She was then sent to this field hospital when the war had started. She had wanted to get away from guns not get closer to them. At the end of the day she knew that she was saving soldiers just to send them back to get shot but every life that she and her nurses managed to save made her feel, if only slightly, better about what had happened to her father. Every life saved made up for the hate she felt for herself for not preventing his death.

Having found that Roland loved her softened the constant pain she felt about her dead parents. He had made her feel safe. A safe she had never felt before. Now he was leaving and taking the safe she felt with him.

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Please review.


	3. Chapter 3

Hello again. Here is another chapter.

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Chapter 3

As the day went on Roland tried to think of how he could make it up to Grace. He knew that she was upset about the fact he was leaving. He saw it in her face the minute he told her. He had seen the tear escape her eye but didn't want to say anything. He knew it would always hurt her more than it hurt him. He so wanted to take her pain away, even if it meant suffering himself. He hated to see her sad. When she had told him about her father he had seen how much she could despise herself. He had tried so many times to tell her it wasn't her fault but he could see that she never believed him. She had told him often that his love had softened the grief she had felt inside.

Before he had admitted it, he knew he had never really loved or had anybody love him the way he loved Grace. His mother he was never close to, his father was to obsessed with his own career in the army, Hetty had never really loved him and Freddie and Alexander he never saw because he was away, working at hospitals so much. In Grace, he thought to himself, that he had found someone he truly loved as well as somebody who loved him.

Ever since he and Hetty had been engaged he knew that it would be an unhappy marriage. They were civil enough to each other but they never loved each other. They didn't want to be together but at the time their parents had control and there was nothing either of them could do. Now they had both grown up though and they were in control of what happened. When Freddie and Alexander were born he thought that it might cement their relationship but all it did was push them further apart. When he had the chance he would divorce Hetty so they were both freed from the loveless marriage they had created. He could then marry Grace and Hetty would be able to pursue anybody that she wished to.

The fact that he had lived in a marriage that gave him nothing but misery had stopped him ever thinking that he could love anyone. It had made him insecure about love and how he saw others. The start of the war had only confirmed to him that there was no love in the world anymore, but when he had met Grace at the hospital something had changed. He didn't know what it was at first, it just felt like an instant warmth towards her. As he got to know her more the warmth turned to friendship and friendship subtly turned to love.

Though Roland was up to his eyes in paperwork he glanced out of the window, catching a glimpse of Grace, as he surveyed the hospital. She had come from the main ward and seeing that her blonde hair was escaping her nurses cap, thought that there must have been an incident, such as a haemorrhaging patient because she always kept her uniform and appearance as neat as possible. He had always marvelled at how she had kept calm in situations that had scared many junior nurses and VAD's. She kept a cool head whatever the situation.

Still watching her, he saw her help a young soldier back to his ward. She had told him that training in India had prepared her in more than a medical capacity. She had been trained in patient care and how mending the sick was one part but the other was caring for them. She was gentle and kind to the soldiers as well as caring for all her nursing staff. Most of all though, and he knew this for a fact, she cared for him. Every time she saw him she would smile, when talking to him her voice was kind and tender and when they were alone together her embrace was loving and full of care.

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	4. Chapter 4

Hello hello. Sorry it's been what feels like forever. I've had stuff to do but I'm here now giving you this next chapter.

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Chapter 4

As night fell over the hospital, Grace slowly made her way to each ward checking that the staff on night duty were at their wards. She checked on patients that had recently been brought form the front and that might have been a concern. Only one patient, a private Kress, seemed to be of any trouble. He had majorly bled on his way from the front and had to be kept an eye on.

As she left the wards and made her way back to her office a small feeling, that she couldn't put a name to, spread through her. She hadn't seen Roland all day. Telling herself that she hadn't been avoiding didn't seem to help. She knew it was true. She didn't want to face him. After his sudden declaration this morning she couldn't think of what to say. All Grace had wanted to do was keep herself busy with work. As she had told Trevelyan, the work saved them. And it had saved her many times. Too many if she was honest about it. She had used work as a way to escape her problems. When her father died, when she had heard the news about Amar and now to avoid Roland. But if she hadn't her emotions would have taken over and that would have done her no good at all. Work was safe but also a distraction.

Walking quickly past Roland's office so he didn't see her, Grace entered her own office and sat down at the desk. She detached her headdress and let her hair fall around her shoulders. Placing the pins on the desk, she heard a knock at the door. Hoping it wasn't Roland she replaced the headdress.

"Enter."

The door opened and Margret Quayle came into the light of the office

"Good evening Matron." Margret shut the door and sat opposite to the Grace. The woman had been a constant worry to Grace. She was always keeping a close eye on the VAD's, ordering the nursing staff around and conspiring with Quartermaster Soper. Grace also worried about her finding out about the relationship she was building with Roland and what she would do. More than likely she would tell anyone within a 10 mile radius.

"What can I do for you Sister Quayle?"

"I have come from Colonel Brett. He hasn't seen you all day and wishes to speak to you in his office."

"Did he say what he wanted?" she countered a little too quickly. This earned her a suspicious look but nothing more

"To speak to you."

"About what?"

"He didn't say. Shall I tell him you're here or not?"

"Thank you Sister Quayle but no. I'll talk to him when I have the time." Grace snapped

Taken aback Margret stood and left without another word, but closing the door with an unneeded slam. With an annoyed sigh, Grace once again detached her headdress and put her head on the desk. Hearing another knock at the door, she decided to ignore it and start looking over nursing rota's for the coming week. The knock came again.

"What!" she shouted

Roland's face appeared from around the door.

"What's wrong Grace?"

"Oh nothing, nothing." she dismissed it with a wave of her hand and started writing

"I disagree." He entered the office and sat in the chair Sister Quayle had recently vacated "What's wrong?"

"Nothing!"

He took the pen form hand and placed it on the desk

"What's wrong Grace and don't tell me nothing because I know when you're lying."

"I'm just tired." She admitted

"Hmm" he scrutinized her for a moment "I won't say I believe you but I won't press you."

She ignored him and started to write again. They sat in silence for a while, hearing nothing but the scratch of her pen over the paper. Roland sat watching her. Grace could feel his eyes on her.

"It's about me leaving isn't it?" Roland said finally breaking the silence

Grace looked up for a moment, showing the tears that had started to form, before once again returning to her papers.

"How did you know?"

"Maybe I can read your thoughts. Maybe I can interpret your emotions. Or maybe I know how you're feeling because I feel exactly the same way."

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	5. Chapter 5

Next chapter for you. I updated in a kind of decent time, for once. Well decent for me anyway.

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Chapter 5

The tears that Grace had managed to keep hold of, fell to the page, which had been blurred for the length of the conversation.

"I don't want you to go Roland." The tears apparent in her voice

"I don't want to go any more than you want me to sweetheart," he said rising from his chair and going to kneel before her "but I have to."

"It isn't fair, why do you have to go?"

He shrugged "Orders from above my love."

A gut-wrenching sob escaped from her throat and all the stress and worry that had formed throughout the day poured out.

"Oh Grace, darling, ssh." He leant her forward to rest onto his shoulder so she could sob. He pulled her from the chair to hold her in his arms. The sounds of her sobs were muffled against his chest and her tears started to stain his jacket. He stroked her hair to try and calm her.

When she eventually calmed, he placed his hands on either side of her face, and nudged her chin up so he could meet her eyes.

"Grace, my darling. I will miss you. I missed your presence in my life, before we meet. Know we have met I count myself blessed, and you" he paused only briefly to a place a kiss on her forehead "you have worked your way into my heart."

"I believe you told me once, that was where I belong." She told him, her cries had died down throughout his speech.

Roland smiled seeing her spirits had bounced back to normal

"Exactly and that is where you shall always stay."

Returning his smile, Grace placed her hand over Roland's heart. She could hear it beating through his jacket.

"Right there?"

"Right there." He answered her question by placing his own hand over hers before claiming her lips.

"I Think I know what will make you feel better. Come on." He pulled her towards the door of her office. He led her to his office and placed the record that, he had used to calm Prentice, on.

"Will you dance Matron?" he questioned, extending a hand to her

"If you insist Sir." She answered, playing along, taking his hand

He pulled her into his embrace, resting one of his hands on the small of her back, and lacing the fingers of his others with hers. Resting her head on his chest as he slowly moved their bodies, she hummed along to the tune. On hearing her, he started slowly placing kisses down her neck to her collarbone.

"You don't know how much I love you." He whispered into her hair

"I do. It's exactly how much I love you." She replied, also in a whisper

Roland went back to his ministrations on her neck, planting kisses everywhere in reach. While he was kissing her neck, Grace took his hands and guided them over her body to rest on her hips. Their eyes met. They didn't need words. He took her hand and led her towards the door at the back of his office.

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And that is where I shall l leave it. Please review and tell me what you think and what you would like next. I will actually get to the letters, I'm just taking the long way round


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry, it's been a bit log since the last update. It takes time because I find it easier to write things before typing them. Anyway I am starting the letters now. Hope you enjoy.**

She didn't see him leave. He said that didn't want her to watch as it might break him and he would find himself running back to her.

His first letter, was not long after he had left.

_30th May 1916_

_Dear Grace_

_I said that I would write to you and now I have honoured my promise. I have not yet arrived at the new field hospital so I cannot tell you much about it. I only know that it will never be the same, or compare to 25A. You might ask yourself how I know this when I have not even seen the other yet? I know because you will not be there my angel. Your smile made 25A bright, and I always saw a faint glimmer of hope that there was still kindness in this new, war consumed world. Hopefully though our, lives will return to normal and this war to end all wars will finish. I will always hold you in my heart though, for that is where you belong, as I have told you before and will never stop telling you. If God is merciful I shall see you again soon and when I do I shall tell you again. _

_I am afraid that the convoy is a slightly bumpy ride so you may find some of the words incomprehensible but soon I shall write to you in the best that my hand can offer. I will write words of love to you and they shall be so sweet that you shall imagine I am there with you whispering them in your ear. _

_I hope that now I have departed, Sister Quayle shall cause you less trouble and shall stop spreading her poisonous, rumour around. Rumours that have some basis but only we shall know to what extent, my love. Though sadly now we shall not be able to commit the acts, she so pointedly talks of I shall forever keep the memories of our time together safe in my heart. You and I will never be alone, for we may be physically separated but our spirits will keep with each other forever. _

_Now I must conclude this letter my dear, for our convoy has arrived at my newest place to make a difference. I shall write again and tell you all about it. In the meantime though a letter form you would be a real treat to me and would greatly help me, in the transition to my new home. I shall enclose the address at the end of this letter. _

_I miss you my Darling. All my love. _

_Roland_

_Xx_

**Please review.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Another Update**

_2__nd__ June 1916_

_Dear Roland _

_Here is your treat then. A letter from me, that I hope you shall enjoy so I will do my best to make you feel loved, wanted and most of all missed. Missed beyond measure and not just by me. By everyone actually, with the few exceptions of Margaret and Soper. A lot of the staff miss having you around. The nurses say that the hospital was a lot better when Colonel Brett was here. We now have Pubright as our Commanding Officer, and ruling overlord. He had decided to draft in more surgeons for the hospital, including the outspoken Major Yelland, much to Captain Gillian's annoyance. Remember the last Mess Dinner? Every single person in the hospital managed to find out. With the two of them at the same field hospital it will be an absolute disaster. Fights all over the place and most likely ending in a surgeon getting fired. I will let Pubright make his own mistakes though. He would not listen to me anyway. He has not as yet, decided to put a leash on me but I am expecting it any day now. The surgeons also miss you. You were a great inspiration to them Roland. They looked up to you, slightly like a father to them. Someone who guided them through the times that they needed help. _

_Most of all, and I think that you must know this in your heart, I miss you. I wish you could have stayed here making a real difference to more than just your patients. I miss you as much as you say you miss me. Maybe even more if that is possible. I would not know what to do if I lost you, to this God-forsaken conflict. I would not be able to just go on. When Amar died I felt a sense of loss, but I managed to carry on without him. If I heard about your death then I would not be able to carry on like I have done before. _

_Margaret has laid off a little from her rumouring but she and Soper still seem to be up to something. I try not to listen to the hospital gossip but she still spreads her poison through the VAD's who repeat it once again to the nursing staff and some of the patients. She seems intent on tainting my name and yours in the process. She does not seem to care who she seem to care who she hurts, in the way of getting what she wants. I expect that she will try to take the position of Matron out from under me, by telling her rumour to Pubright. It does worry me but I shall fight hr every step of the way if I have to. I will not let her get her hands on any evidence that would incriminate us. I shall draw strength from these letters if I have to. You are only a letter away and I shall keep that in my mind. _

_Please write to me and tell me what the new hospital is like and I shall write to you about my life here. _

_Your Grace_

_Xxx_

**Please review**


	8. Chapter 8

Hi, sorry it has taken so long but major update is here. Hopefully you will get 4 new chapters but I may be pushing it. We'll see.

_6__th__ June 1916_

_Dearest Grace_

_I write to you now a happier man than I was before I received your letter. It puts a thrill in my heart to read your letters. It makes me so happy, to know that you wanted to write back to me. _

_I have started settling in, with your help of course, and finding it rather different to 25A. Here we have more wards, more surgeons and more nurses, though none are as pretty as you. We basically have more of everything and it is a much larger hospital. Strangely though we have fewer convoys of the injured. I don't think that anyone has properly thought the running of this hospital through, I can do little a Commanding Officer. I am now only a humble surgeon. I do get to do more practical work this way, even if I have no time to study the cases of the men or make decisions that I desire. I have ideas that could benefit the hospital and other hospitals, field or otherwise. I shall have to properly write, or type the ideas up and present them to Brigadier Jefferson, once I have fully settled in. He is the CO and he runs the place like clockwork. The one thing I don't miss about being in charge, is he organising. I could never get my head around it, mainly because I was never an organised person. _

_After reading your letter, I felt sorry for you and 25A, knowing that you have to put up with Pubright and Yelland. I got the impression that you like Yelland as much as Gillian does. He is pompous, that's all. Nothing more, nothing less. He most likely went to a private school, that taught him he was better than everybody else, especially women. He looks down on people like Tom, because they didn't have the best education or didn't come from the right background. A background filled with relatives, filled with money. Then again saying that, my father had a lot of money, that he would only pass onto me if I married I never really wanted his money, but he made me marry Hetty all the same. I don't think her father or mine, ever thought that their children would be living in an unhappy marriage for years. They most likely thought, that overtime a love would develop between us but it never did. _

_As for Margaret and Soper, just put them in their place. You are the Matron and have the power to do so. You should tell them to stop spreading their disgracing rumour. Tell them I chose you for the post as Matron because of your nursing skills and no other reason. If either of them do tell Pubright, of what they have apparently 'heard', then he should not believe it. If you have any trouble from Pubright you know that I am only a letter away. Speaking of Pubright, you should tell him of the concerns you have told me about Tom and Yelland and when the inevitable happens he shall see that you are not just a pretty face but you have a brain that he never really appreciated. _

_Please write to me again sweetheart. _

_I love you _

_Roland_

_Xxx_

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	9. Chapter 9

It's looking good for those 4 chapters I promised.

_10__th__ June 1916_

_Dear Roland_

_Another letter from your Grace. I enjoy reading your letters, as much as you say you enjoy reading mine. They are the closest thing I have to being with you. I find that I need to read them several times, just to reinforce all of what you have said and shared with me. I wonder sometimes, if you do the same? At other times I cannot believe that you want to write to me. I have to pinch myself to make sure that all of this is not just an elaborate dream that I have made up, to keep the loneliness at bay. When I was a child, and hopefully you will not think me too lost in make believe, I imagined I would meet a prince and my life would be perfect. You'll have to forgive me, I was only six. I grew up fairly quickly and the dream disappeared but I would remember it from time to time. I say it disappeared, but I could never get rid of it completely. I met Amar when I was still young, and my passions were high, so I thought that I had found my imaginary prince. I had found the love I had always craved and I kept hoping that it would all turn out perfectly, the way I wanted it to be. I soon discovered though, that Amar was in the local regiment. He seemed more interested in his regimental life, than caring and loving. When he eventually did it was wonderful, but it was nothing to what I feel for you now. It is completely different to anything that I have felt before. I thought that Amar was my imaginary prince, but really it was you. _

_I have spoken to Margaret, like you said and she has stopped spreading her rumour. For now anyway. She will probably start again when she thinks I have forgotten about the arrangement. Soper also seems to show me a little more respect now but I know that it is driven be a hollowness and hatred for me. Then again I doubt that I will get any real respect from either of them. I don't want their respect though and I don't need it. Having respect from the local gossips is hardly something to be proud of. I feel so stupid, to think that Margaret was my friend or even somebody that I trusted. I should never have let her have my trust. I have learnt my lesson though and she shall never have it again. I think that I have let you down by me forgiving her each time she did something wrong. Now I can see that all she did, was to undermine our command. _

_You said that you had ideas for hospitals. I haven't heard them or have the faintest clue what they are but, I think that you should tell Brigadier Jefferson about them. I have a feeling that the ideas you have are about modernising the hospitals. You have a forward thinking approach, which would be wonderful, if someone listened to you. You will get through to someone soon darling, I just know it. Somebody will have to listen to your ideas. What happened with Lance Corporal Laurence Prentice, was, firstly not your fault. It was Margaret who didn't give him that ticket, and Colonel Pubright who rescinded it in the first place. You did the right thing by writing out a new ticket for the Lance Corporal. It is just a shame that you asked Margaret to give it to him. Secondly it was a tragedy and not fair on poor Laurence. It was though, a start to saving other people. It could start research into what music can do, to help people suffering from nervous conditions. It is a great discovery and one that you should be credited for. You will get recognition for what you have done. _

_I am already looking forward to your next letter, which I have faith will be coming to me very shortly. _

_Yours forever _

_Grace_

Please review.


	10. Chapter 10

I'm getting there people, I'm getting there.

_16__th__ June 1916_

_Sweetest Grace_

_How are you Darling? I am sorry that I haven't written for a while but I have been slightly busy typing up my new ideas for the hospital. I have wanted to write but I have also had to work rather hard, of late. With the work and typing the ideas, I couldn't find a spare minute to write to you. We have only had two convoys but they were packed full with soldiers, straight from the front. I hope you can forgive me for not writing sooner, dear? As you said, I haven't told you of my ideas, so I thought that now would be a good time to a least start. I still want to try and experiment with music. Lance Corporal Laurence Prentice, wasn't just a statistic. Pubright treated him that way but he wasn't. He was a person. A person with hopes, dreams, family, friends maybe even a sweetheart. What happened to him was not what he deserved. Nobody deserves that. He had a life to live, and now he hasn't because of this war. Just like Freddie. Before this war, so may young men had lives to live and now thousands of them have lost their lives, in the foreign fields of France. It isn't fair on those boys. I'm sorry, I'm wandering from the point now._

_I would also like to see a better sanitation system. We have a good sanitation system at the field hospitals but it could be so much better. Having better sanitation anywhere would be good because, sanitation anywhere is one of the most important things, if you are to have healthy thriving people. It only makes sense. I wish that some of the officers would listen to me and they would see that I have some sense. _

_You were right about what you said. You don't need the respect of Margaret or Soper. To be completely honest, you don't need anybody's respect, because you are still the person you are inside. Having the respect of nosy gossips doesn't make anybody, socially happier. That's what those pair are. Nosy gossips. I hardly ever seek the respect of, any other officers, because I don't see how it will make me happier if I have it. I care very little about what other people think of me. I used to care, when I was younger because I thought that other people's opinions mattered more than mine did. Now I know that isn't true, other people's opinions of me don't matter. _

_I know that you said you trusted Margaret but I never understood why. I never trusted her, to tell you the truth. That was another reason, I picked you for the job as Matron and not her. You seemed do much more trustworthy. I felt I could trust you in a way that I couldn't trust anybody else. You also never let me down, by trusting her. I wish you'd tell me why you thought that. Firstly, why you trusted Margaret and secondly, why you think you let me down by trusting her? You could never let me down Grace. I love you far too think that you could do anything wrong. I never want you to think that you have failed me, in anyway. That is the worst thought to me. Except thinking that you didn't love me. _

_There is talk of a big push circulating round. I'm not sure if you have heard yet, as we only found out yesterday. It is meant to be, the big push to finish the war for good, this time. Though we have had several of those, since the first Christmas, which we were meant to win by. The war is starting to sicken me now. The endless death, we are surrounded by is starting to hit home. I feel that it is far too hard to keep fighting. So many have died already and there is no end in sight. It isn't fair on the men who are fighting. I know that I have said it already but it really isn't. Conscription had now come in, so none of the men over nineteen, even get the chance to think about joining up. They are signed up and sent to the front, without even being asked if they want to serve. Then again, the patriotism some men feel, means that they would rather be killed, than not be allowed to fight for their country. Conscription shouldn't have been put in, from my medical point of view you could even say my human point of view, but from a military perspective more men are needed at the front so conscription is the only answer. I dislike listening to the military point of view though. Apparently being in the army is meant to harden people to the loss and deaths of friends and 'comrades' that, you will inevitably lose one way or the other. _

_I am starting to ramble on and I don't want to bore you anymore than I already have, Darling. _

_I await your next letter, anxiously, as always. _

_Roland_

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	11. Chapter 11

We have finally arrived at that fourth chapter I promised

_21__st__ June 1916_

_Dear Roland _

_Hello. I know that this won't reach you on the day but happy birthday. I hope you didn't work too hard on your special day. I would hate to think of you working on the day that you are meant to celebrate. I wish I could be with you and I miss you more than I usually do at this time. I am sorry that I couldn't have sent you a proper present but between work I have only just have the time to write this. We have been working to prepare for the upcoming offensive you mentioned, in your last letter. Pubright has been grinding us down, until several of the VAD's, thanks to lack of sleep, near to collapsed while working. Pubright doesn't seem to care about the nursing staff or the surgeon's health. He only cares about getting as many sick men back to the front as soon as possible. Apparently HQ want every man they can get their hands on, down at the front, ready for the offensive. _

_Pubright certainly believes that this offensive, will end the war for good. When he is not working everybody into the ground, he is having, what seems like, an endless number of meetings with the officers from HQ. He also seems to expect to be waited on hand and foot. He expects endless cups of tea for him and his planners. I have seen him waylay several nurses, mainly VAD's who have no choice if they want to keep their positions here, asking them to enter that smoking house that was once an office and make them tea. The smell of tobacco really is disgusting, and having an office right next to him is even worse because you can smell it through the wooden walls. Don't be surprised if I send you a letter in the future, and it smells like it has been burned on its way. You might even get some that are burn marks. I have told him if he wants to smoke, he has to go outside but he can't see the harm he is doing to himself and other people. I can't argue with him though which is the most annoying thing. I don't have the strength to tell him again. We seem to clash over the smallest thing and I am sick to death of fighting him now. I am thankful that I never had arguments like that with you, when you were here. I don't like to argue with him over everything but he just doesn't seem to have any human compassion. _

_I don't want to dwell on Pubright though. He's just another officer who is stuck in the past. He is totally different to you. You think forward, while he clings onto the past for dear life. I don't think he ever will let go of the past and because he doesn't he will never fully appreciate your ideas. From what I have heard so far, I think your ideas will revolutionise the way hospitals work, both in the field and back home in general hospitals. _

_You asked why I trusted Margaret in the past. Well it is slightly hard to explain it but I will give it a go. When I went to England to start nursing over there, I was alone. My mother was long dead and my father had only died two weeks before I decided to leave India. I only had Amar's letters from the army, and they only gave me a small comfort. It felt like I was running from something and I couldn't look back or stop until I reached where I wanted to be. Then I met Margaret, and she was kind to me. I know that is probably hard for you to imagine but at least try to. She was my only friend, in a place I had never been before and when I was feeling so lost and alone. I had never really had close friends before, so I didn't even know when she corrupting me and lying to save herself. I had learnt to trust over a period of time so I didn't actually understand how she could betray me. I suppose you will say that that I should have been wise to her tricks after that, but I still couldn't look on her in a bad light because of how well she had treated me before. I don't know whether or not you have ever had a friend like Margaret, so I cannot say that you wouldn't understand, but in do not doubt that most people will never ever have somebody, like her in their lives. They don't expect one of their best friends to betray them or spread rumour about them, because friends always have a certain level of trust that means they can rely on one another. I never managed to experience that with Margaret. _

_I do feel like I have it with you though. You might be the man I love, Roland but you are also my best friend. It seems like you are the only best friend I have. _

_I hope my letter brought you some comfort _

_Grace _

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	12. Chapter 12

Hello. Hope you all had a good Christmas and new year. Sorry that I didn't update over the holiday's but I had the flu and wasn't very well. I'm on the way to recovery now though.

_30__th__ June 1916_

_Hello Grace _

_I just wanted to write you one more letter before the hospitals get swamped with men from the front. As I told you in my earlier letters the hospital is small and as I have now learnt one of the last hospitals that men are sent to when they are injured. Only if every other hospital is full with men are we sent any convoys. We have still been prepared for heavy casualties though. HQ have either pushed us up that metaphorical ladder of hospitals they have, or they expect extremely heavy casualties. I'd wager on it being heavy casualties. _

_We get very few visits from HQ personnel here. That is only a small blessing though. The down side of being here is that everything gets inspected daily. We are mainly warned of them, but apparently we get spot checked now and again. Just to check that everything is in order. I have yet to experience one of the spot checks which I am most grateful. Life is mainly dull here. Some would say idealistic, for you have little work to do, but I find it frustrating that I get to do so little. I have had days off all in a row because there is scarcely anything to occupy my time. You know I think that HQ were trying to give me a hint by sending me here. Or perhaps they think that I enjoy doing nothing at all for days in end. Now because of all this constant boredom I have had to find a variety of different ways to fill in all the free time that I now suddenly have. I took all the music that I had with me at 25A, so I have been able to listen to a whole record at a time, sometimes two or three. No interruptions. That is another small blessing. Privacy is quiet a high priority for everyone. Nearly every member of staff gets their own tent. It is satisfying to know that I can do whatever I desire in my own tent. _

_If I am not listening to my music, or preoccupied with thoughts of you, then I am playing little word games. I play alone as I don't want to disturb anybody else's privacy, but it is still fun. I've rediscovered different words that I had totally forgotten before. I should think that my new found interest in words is boring you so I shall move on. _

_I told Brigadier Jefferson of my ideas but he dismissed them, as silly and stupid thoughts that were worth nothing. Well he didn't say that to my face but I doubt that he hasn't thought that. He just dismissed him and me with a flick of his hand. It is unfair, I worked so hard on those ideas, scribbling them down then typing and transcribing them. Just to have them waved away. He treated me like a child, Grace. Like nothing I had said or written mattered in the slightest. It was all just a game to him. The game of war and we are just pawns that keep fighting but to no apparent avail. Why is it, whenever I try to present my ideas, I get met with the same comments and the same narrow minded people who cannot see into the future and what that will bring? Who can't see what will happen to this world in the long run. As time goes on we will discover those times. We have to get rid of yesterday's traditions and create our own. Not totally get rid of them actually. I should probably rephrase that. Use the old traditions to create news ones of our own. How's that? _

_Thank you so much for wishing me a Happy Birthday. I knew that you wouldn't forget. You are so organised and good at remembering dates. Your letter was the best present that I got all day, my love. To be totally honest it was the only present. That doesn't matter though because your letter was better than anything anyone could give me in person. I do wish that you could have been with me though. That would have made by birthday absolutely perfect; to hold you close. Even dancing with you like we did on the last night that we had together. You are always in my dreams though so metaphorically we are never really apart. Only in body but not in spirit. _

_I believe you will be extremely busy for the next few days, so I shall wait patiently for the next letter from you. I wish you luck and hope that Pubright doesn't totally drive you into the ground with work. I hope that you can draw strength from my letter, darling. _

_Roland _

_Xx_

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	13. Chapter 13

A late Christmas present if you like

_29__th__ July 1916_

_Dear Roland _

_My love, I'm so sorry that it has been so long since I have written to you. We have been rushed off our feet recently because of the casualties coming from the front at the Somme. You can thank the Major offensive for that. The convoys of wounded men have hardly stopped since July 1__st__. We got five convoys a day in the first two weeks. The amount of work we had to do means that this is the only time that I have actually had to sit down and write to you. The amount of men we have had to treat means it's the only opportunity I have had to put a pen to paper, with the exception of paperwork of course. There also seems to be an inexhaustible amount of paperwork being generated at the moment. My in tray is piled high with folders and paper of all sorts. I am sick at of the sight of it, but if I don't get it done on time, Pubright near to chases me to get it done and I hardly want that man following me all day. As you seem to have rather a lot of leisure time would you like me to send you some of the paperwork I've got? I'm sure it will challenge your new found fondness for words. _

_Like I told you before Pubright was having endless meeting before the offensive. Although the first weeks of the offensive have passed he seems to have even more meetings than before. This, most likely means that they are planning yet another chance for soldiers to injure themselves. His meetings now cause small clouds of cigarette smoke to rise form the offices and the permanent smell of tobacco has managed to delve itself into everything. Promise me that you'll never take up smoking. That is another reason I don't want the man anywhere near me. He has become a tobacco factory. Everything about him stinks of the stuff; clothes, breath, it's all I can do not to vomit when he comes near me. I have tried to avoid meetings in his office as well but it does not seem to make my nausea abate at all. I also feel sorry for the VAD's who he still thinks are his willing servant. They have to enter that tobacco house whenever Pubright and his fellow plotters want refreshments. _

_All the staff have been rushed off their feet. The offensive has really tested their limits, but however exhausted they seem to be their work never falter or slip in standard. Their work has a high consistency. It is good to know that they can be relied on and are behind the war effort. Oh dear, I'm starting to sound like Pubright. I really have to do more to avoid him before I become totally consumed by my work. I do not want to turn out like that. The mere thought makes me shudder with fear. Anyway, I don't just have my work, to think about, do I? _

_I am so glad to hear that you are getting a good rest but I could still send you some paperwork if you like. You really do deserve a break though, after all the hard work you did at 25A. It really did effect the hospital for the better, and if others can't see that your ideas would benefit other hospitals then it is their loss, not yours. They wouldn't know a good idea if it came and bit them on the nose. Sooner or later you will get through to someone though. They'll have to listen eventually, even if they get so sick of you annoying you then they just listen to get rid of you. Then they will know what they have been missing. In the meantime you should enjoy your rest and I am sure that you will find even more ways to improve and modernise hospitals. Like I said, the rest will definitely do you good because of the long hours you put in making the men in your care healed in the best possible way. Maybe that is where the staff have got the attitude for hard work. No, I am sure you inspired them with your own hard work. _

_You are very lucky to have the opportunity to listen to the records you have. When we had time with each other we only managed to listen to a select few. When the war ends and we can be together, I will be there to listen to them with you. I cannot wait for that time, darling. When we can finally be together without reservation. Nothing held back and no regrets. If I could wish away this war and be with you, I would do it without a seconds thought. I hope that you would too. You said that I occupy your dreams, well you seem to occupy mine too. We seem to be mentally linked then, not just in spirit. I truly love you. Nothing else could compare to what I feel for you. Sometimes, at the hospital even though I am surrounded by people, I feel rather isolated and alone because you are not there with me. I know that I may sound very childish, but I miss you so much, Roland. Being apart from you is one of the worst pains that I have ever felt. It is like a knife going through my heart every time I look around expecting to see you and you're not. Your love keeps me going through the day and helps me sleep at night. Knowing that you love me keeps me sane and stops me running away from this whole conflict. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't say that. I could get in a lot of trouble. Pubright would probably court martial me for insubordination. No doubt he would also find another charge to put me on also. He really does not like me. _

_With your love I could face anything _

_Grace _

_Xx_

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	14. Chapter 14

I'm sorry that this took longer than it should of. I've recently found myself bogged down in assignments, essays and case studies.

_24__th__ August 1916_

_Grace_

_My darling I could not have written to you sooner. You may have had a busy July but most of my August has been full of days of seeing to men and operating on their wounds. We have had heavy, but not to serious casualties. I think that we have both underestimated the scale of the attack. The casualties, as I said, have not been too serious so I think that our hospital is used for a second line of less serious injuries. Perhaps some of the men that we have here have been to other hospitals to have initial wounds cleared up there and then sent up here to us, so that hospitals closer to the front, like 25A, have more room for serious injuries. Maybe that is how it works, maybe not. Nobody discusses the way that the hospital is arranged with me anymore. I am just a substandard Lieutenant Colonel now. I have lots of patients now. Even though Brigadier Jefferson, shunned my idea of the psychological effect of the fighting, he has given me what he considers, 'mental patients'. I have learnt that they are not, as Jefferson puts it so bluntly mental, but what they have seen has certainly affected them deeply. What they have seen, I think, will stay with them forever. The scars have embedded themselves deep in the minds of those men and it is my job to get them fit and ready for service again. If I don't I will feel like a failure. All I have thought that I knew about the human mind will be seen as wrong. I will feel like I have failed the people who have believed in me, that is including you, sweetheart. That is why I am determined, desperate even, to prove to people that I am right about the physiological elements. Then people will have to take me seriously. _

_If this war ends soon, as I am forever hoping, I want to do a full study of the human mind. I will need you with me though. If I fall then I will need you to pick me up again. Even your presence will help if you cannot cheer me up, but I don't think that you will ever fail to do so because my happiness seems to lie with you. You are the person who can bring out the cheerful and care-free side of me. You will be able to help me document the emotions that the mind is capable of how the body reacts and what or who can make that person respond. I am thoroughly looking forward to our research Matron Carter! Thought process is another area that I am interested in looking into. How long our brain takes to process something and its reaction to it. We will have to find some other test subjects as well but I think that we shall keep emotions for ourselves my dear. _

_I have also found a new attribute in myself. Writing. I have found that I have a style of writing that appeals to the men, but I doubt that it is only them who enjoy reading my words. I have just been writing little stories for them. A variety of different adventure tales that I could think of, perhaps loosely based on real life. I managed to mix up one of the stories that I had written, with one of the men's paperwork. As I was walking to the ward I must have dropped it, then one of the men must have picked it up, because I next found it in my quarters with a note attached saying 'Interesting story Colonel, keep writing.' It wasn't signed so I don't know who to thank for the kind words of appreciation. I wish they would have signed it, then I could ask them more about it. Apart from the stories and the notes for the men, these letters to you are the only that time that I have to write. That is why the letters that you respond with mean so much to me. When I see your handwriting on the envelope that sits lonely in my quarters, my heart lifts. I trace my finger over your cursive handwriting before opening the envelope and reading the letter. I like to savour the moment, especially because before this time I hardly got any letters at all. Hetty never writes to me, Alexander writes to me every six months, if that. Only Freddie used to…. he wrote to me a few times from the front but his letters were never regular. They mainly consisted of how he was and well wishes to me, Alex and Hetty. Nothing of any major note. _

_There are never any large losses of life here. Only a few patients a month. One per week I would say. That might sound a bit heartless, sorry. We are a hospital though, we are here to make soldiers better before they go back up to the front line. I am grateful that I am in the RAMC and not one of those boys who go to shoot the Germans. I don't think that I could kill a German if I had too. It feels like it is against my nature. I was trained to help people not kill them. If I had a German man in my care then I would treat them with the same attitude as I treat the British boys. I've never told anybody that before. I hope you don't see me as less of a man. Hetty would certainly see it that way. You are nothing like Hetty though. Your kindness and caring nature cannot be vanquished. You are an angel to me. It feels like God has sent you to me in this terrible time of war and conflict. I thought that I would never find someone who loved me as much as you do. As I said your presence in my life makes me feel totally blessed. It's a wonderful feeling, and one that I hope I will never have to let go of. You are so beautiful as well and the fact that you have chosen to love me is something that confuses me. You could have had your pick of men but you chose me. _

_I often sit up at night and ponder the question but I never come to a conclusion or an answer. Please tell me darling. I need you to tell me! _

_Roland _

_Xx_

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	15. Chapter 15

Next Chapter

_1__st__ September 1916_

_Dear Roland _

_Why do you think I love you? You are a wonderful, kind and compassionate person. You said that I was kind and caring but so are you. Other male officers have treated me with very little respect and regard, in the past, but you didn't. You treat me as an equal not just a weak and feeble woman. You treat me with respect and regard that nobody ever has. I would never think of you as less of man, because you couldn't kill someone. You are more of a man in my eyes because you can't. You are a surgeon and a doctor not a killer. A coward kills people, a braver man walks away. Walking away is the best thing anybody could do. The men in the trenches don't want to be there and I don't believe they relish killing people. On the surface they might seem that they can but deep down, if you gave them a choice, they probably wouldn't be able to. if you gave any of them a choice, I think they would rather all be at home with their families, wives or sweethearts. They would rather be safe than fighting a war with a non-seeming end. _

_We have had some Sikh Sepoy's at the hospital to nurse. Pubright isn't happy because they can't actually speak English and he doesn't know how to treat them, because he cannot understand them. He thinks that they are troublesome. Sadly in my notes it says that I started my service in India and he will probably try to find out if I can speak Punjabi and try and treat them. For this reason I am being extra careful to avoid him. As much as I would like to help the men, I want to see what Pubright does. We also have German prisoners at the hospital. Four of them in a separate ward away from the others. We don't know how they were captured but we do, that when they are fit enough they'll be taken away and either imprisoned or shot. Not entirely present. Pubright is even more on edge, and is constantly asking the staff working on that ward if the prisoners have said anything to them. He is basically asking the staff to become a spying service. Sadly I have to get embroiled in this because he wants me working on the ward to keep an eye on the younger staff. I don't want to become a spy for anybody. If Pubright asks me about them I will tell him they haven't said anything. If I tell him I him that I don't want to become a spy then he will have me on a charge for disobeying orders from a senior officer because I have already had about three warnings about disobeying senior orders. Just last week him and his other officers asked me for my opinion then completely ignored it. I offered my opinion again and they simply laughed and told me that I shouldn't talk of things that I couldn't possibly understand about. Later on in the meeting I got into an argument with Pubright. It was about the turnaround of men and I got angry and stalked out of the office. I managed to avoid him until the evening, when he just walked into my office and dished out a lecture about not arguing with my superiors. I was too tired to argue by that point and just nodded back at him. Today we had an argument about the nursing staff's hours and the result was very similar. The man just infuriates me because he doesn't listen to me, like you used to. When he asks my opinion, I don't know why he bothers because he will just ignore it and do what he thinks is best. You would listen to my opinion and you used to take into consideration, he just dismisses it. His respect only stretches as far as the other officers_

_The nurses never see a shred of his respect and I doubt that they ever will. I don't want to argue with him again because I will most likely lose my position and I think you know who will get it. Then Margaret will be able to read our letters and will most likely torment me about it. She will probably start up her rumours again and this time Pubright will find out. That is the last thing that I want, because he will probably start an investigation into our relationship, with Margaret and Soper as his main evidence. I don't know about the rest of the staff would say about it though but the VAD's do like to gossip. _

_You know I found out something very interesting yesterday. It seems that we may not have been the only people with a relationship beyond friendship. Thomas Gillian and Kitty Trevelyan seem to get on very well! Oh yes, they seem very close for just a surgeon and a nurse. I don't want to break up their obviously loving relationship though because I would feel like a hypocrite and they do seem right together. They sneak off into the woods when they think that nobody is watching them. It's lovely to see them experiencing the same feelings that we do. Then I am hit by an almost overpowering wave of sadness, when I think that we had so little time together. We have the letters but it's not the same as being with you. It's not the same as feeling your arms around me and your kisses against my lips. I really do miss you Roland! _

_When you mentioned the fact that you hardly had got letters from anybody, I knew how you felt. The only family that I have, now is my uncle, his wife and children. I only write to them a few times a year and have only met them twice. Once when I was 15 and then it was only my uncle and his wife. Then when for a few weeks in 1912. They probably wouldn't be able to recognise me now. My uncle and his wife used to live in India, not far from me and my father but moved to Brighton. I've only met two of their children, they had a third last year. There eldest has left home but comes back to them most days. They say that he is going to fight in on the front line. _

_I don't really want to bore you with the details of what I have left of a family. You are the only person that I have and the only person that I want. Never forget that I will always love you and I miss you desperately. _

_Grace_

_Xx_

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	16. Chapter 16

**Hello, people. I've left you for so long and I'm so very sorry. I lost the write ups of this, so I had no idea what I was doing. I've found them now though, so you get the rest of your story. Hopefully it will be worth the wait. **

_20__th__ September 1916_

_Darling Grace_

_I think that you are definitely right about the men in the trenches. They probably know more about the war than either of us ever will. Even if we see the effects that it has had on the men in our care, we will never get to experience life on the frontline. Freddie's letters never told me anything, as I said. I am quite grateful I will never know actually, from what I have seen. It estranges the men from their families and I would not want to be estranged from you, my darling girl. The men who are not so effected talk of nothing except home and their families. It is either mud and war or families and home. It does get tiring after a while, and I know that I shouldn't say this but work is becoming a chore more than something I enjoy, like I used too. It is getting harder for me to concentrate with the men's tales. I used to enjoy them but now they all sound the same with nothing of any note. _

_It is nice to hear that Thomas and Kitty have started a relationship, I always thought that they were well suited. They seemed continually to be together. A lot of the surgeons and nurses here are, as you put it, a little more than friends. Even Brigadier Jefferson has, what seems to be, a close and intimate relationship with one of the younger nurses. I believe that most of the relationships will all end in tears. Tears of nurses if I'm not mistaken. Jefferson's will anyway. He's married, with a twelve year old son, who he talks about with an insistent pride. He will not leave his wife and son for this nurse. He just uses her for his own ends. It really isn't fair for her. She will not even realise, he doesn't love her until he decides that she has become a bother, or when she becomes pregnant. She will most likely make a scene and he will have her sent away in disgrace, while he carries on with another nurse. Then the whole cycle will start over again. It really is not fair on the poor nurses that get tangled in that web. Jefferson will, without fail, pray on the young nurses and VAD's, who can be sent home without much consequence. I just hope that does not happen to Kitty. I would never be able to do that you, Grace. I love you far too much to ever let you go for Hetty. She is nothing to me, compared to you. You are the complete opposite of her, kind, sweet, intelligent, supportive. I don't really have the words to describe you. You are everything to me. I need nothing if you are beside me. You are like an angel to me. I know I have said it before but I think it is necessary for me to say it again. _

_I never knew that your temper could rival Purbright's or you had such an argumentative nature. You never showed it to me. Then, we did agree on most things and as you have said you never see eye to eye with Purbright. I never got on with the man either to be honest and am very happy to be rid of him. I do empathise with you though. I understand that the man never listens to anybody except himself and superiors. He would probably see it as an insult if anything that he said was put down by a woman, so that is why he rarely listens to you. It would embarrass him. Now, that I would like to see. Purbright humiliated by a woman. They could sell tickets for it at a circus. It would certainly draw crowds, and the ticket proceeds could help the war effort. Perhaps then he would do it willingly. You are right though, you should try not to argue with the man, because he could easily have you demoted if he wished. Then our letters would most likely be found. Your reputation would certainly be dented then. I couldn't stand to see your name dragged through the mud because of me. I would rather it be my name than yours. Like I said, nothing else matters if I have you. Purbright, would most likely have a field day though. If he found out the truth about all the relationships between nurses and surgeons, his job would then only consist of investigations into relationships. If he found out about one though, it would put all the others in danger, so I think we owe it to others to keep our relationship from Purbright. For now anyway. It will not be like this forever. One day I will tell everybody that I love you sweetheart. Don't doubt it. _

_I never knew that you spoke German. You really are a dark horse aren't you? Like a secret waiting for me to unlock it. If I have to I will unlock every secret you have, just to know you as I think I truly should. I know about your past, I know most of the details from your young life in India. *Nothing of your time after that though. I guessed that you must have lived in England for a period of time but I was never sure, because you may have done all your training in India. You're a mystery. An exciting and loveable one though. A fantastic and adorable mystery, which needs unravelling. Will you let me in on some of your secrets? Pretty please? I've told you about my life before the war and now it's your turn to go into more detail about your early life. Your life in India probably was so different to mine. I only travelled during the Boer conflict and to France during 1914, at the start of the war. I left England very little so your life in India would be fascinating for me to hear about. Even if you just think about telling me for now. I am patient and can wait for a lifetime to hear about it. _

_Please think about it darling! _

_Roland _

_Xxxx_

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